Emotion

This is my "I wish I was allowed to have an emotion so I could cry my eyes out" post. I just found out I'm not allowed to phase up until I pass that PT test tomorrow. This means that while my roommate and all those people in our group all got to decorate their rooms or half of rooms and go of base and wear regular clothes and have their phones and iPods on them outside the dorm room I got to sit there in my uniform not going anywhere and eat dinner by myself. Not to mention that every time I try to do eighteen pushups I can never manage to do them. I keep collapsing at ten or twelve or fourteen or having half of them not count cuz I couldn't go low enough. G keeps saying not to worry and have more confidence and moping won't help me but life for me pretty much sucks right now and all I really want to do is have that good long thirty minute cry I've been wanting since the first week of BMT when we got told we weren't allowed to have emotions. I can see why this place has so many suicides/suicide attempts, keeping this much emotion bottled up can't be good for a person's mental health. I think that regardless of whether or not I pass the test tomorrow I'm going to set aside some time for a good cry just to get it out of my system. I'd be crying right now but my roommate's here and she'd just tell me not to be a whimp which would be hypocritical as she just had a huge cry yesterday after breaking up with her boyfriend over the phone. Of course this means it must be true what they say, that "If the world didn't suck we'd all fall off". It's nice not to go floating off into space but I feel like a little less gravity might go a long way towards helping me with my pushups. I'll just have to say a prayer for tomorrow and hope for the best. I probably wouldn't have had any fun going to the mall anyway.

- Posted from my iPhone.